Friday, January 27, 2006

AN OPEN LETTER TO YOU

It's the night before Chinese New Year. The night before... I'm in New York. It's sad. I am so far away from home.

Growing up Asian, I hated being me. (I actually I hate the word "hate.") The kids mocked my bowl-shaped hair cut. (I really did have it). They said my eyes were slanted. (So what?) The guys tried to beat me up. It sucked being Asian in the early 80s. There were so few of us. But every Chinese New Year it rocked. We'd get envelopes full of money. That day it sucked being whitey. Ha, ha! It was never about the money... What I miss most... I miss Grandmother's meals, my entire family - my extended family - around one big dinner table, Grandfather giving us the red envelopes. I loved being my father and mother's son, my grandparents' grandson, my brother and sister's brother. I miss the loud, jovial family dinner. I miss being a part of my family. Chinese New Year was always so magical. There was so much hope, so much happiness. That's what I remember, that's what I love about Chinese New Year.

It's the night before Chinese New Year. The night before... I'm in New York. I'm so sad. I am so far way from home... Happy Chinese New Year Mom, Dad, Khiem & Steph... You'll never read this, but I am so sad I am not home...

Monday, January 02, 2006

RUMINATIONS

I'm in a new place. I live in a new city. I work in a really tall building (that overlooks Times Square). I miss my friends back home. The way I was me. I really miss my life. I missed being comfortable with what I know. I am afraid of being away, of things that change.

I am struggling. I am insane. I am all right. I think it's dark now. But it's a new year. And so what! It feels totally different, but it's really just the same.

I don't know if I can keep New Year's resolutions. I don't like that way it came out negative. I don't have a New Year's resolution, I only know that this year it'll be better. I will find it all in me...