Saturday, January 31, 2009

ANOTHER PYSCHIATRIC DISORDER!

I am ashamed to admit it, but I have another mental disorder.

Like most psychiatric disorders, it’s characterized by all the voices in my head fighting each other - all the damn time! So tiring. Though everyone has different symptoms, mine are: obsession about a flaw with my appearance — a flaw either that is minor or imagined, frequently examining myself in the mirror, and frequent cosmetic procedures with little satisfaction. Okay, kidding about the cosmetic procedures...as of now.

Yes, I, along with 90% of gays, have BDD - body dysmorphic disorder. Oh, the shame! While BDD, sometimes called “imagined ugliness,” is mockable, it could have serious ramifications, including: suicidal thoughts/behavior, depression, anxiety disorders.

There are many causes, but one is your environment, aka your evil, eating-disorder friends. Thanks guys, especially - let’s just call them - Patty Myra and Ailly Brmas! And guys, definitely check out NYTimes.com’s Body Mass Index calculator. Feel fat, bitches!

Robert Buckley and Kim Raver

Friday, January 30, 2009

REASONS NOT TO EAT EVERYTHING

For three days last week, I smelled a distinct yet savory odor. It turns out I didn’t wipe after some wash room activities - for three days! Huh, how could I forget to do that?

Well, it also turns out it wasn’t my fault. It was the onion rings, calamari, and more onion rings! According to a published study in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, the fewer calories you consume the stronger your memory performance is.

The study suggests that the memory improvement might be linked to a decrease in insulin and inflammation. It is believed that lower insulin levels might “increase the sensitivity of receptors” in the brain and improve insulin signaling, allowing memories to be maintained longer.

So, does that mean I’m giving up onion rings? Hell to the no! But you might think twice about shaking my hands. Just saying...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

CUONG’S SPIRIT SERIES

Once you say you’re going to settle for second, that’s what happens to you in life.
- John F. Kennedy

Now is the time to make you your first priority.

My mother grew up in a different world and she didn’t raise me to put me first. It was what she knew. So she always put us - her children - first. I was always keenly aware of that. I am a firm believer now that in order to be a good friend, lover, partner, child, neighbor or citizen you must be whole. You must make yourself whole. That starts by putting yourself first... And only then can you possess the light, energy, and knowledge to shed light onto other’s worlds. Your gift to the world is you.

John F. Kennedy

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

NOTES ON LOVE...

I love New York City in the summer!: everyone breaks up to whore around, walking around and watching people sitting on their doorsteps crying (pathetic! who does that? who cries in public?), and jerking off to shirtless boys in the park! Yummy...

Clearly, neither my priest nor future ex-boyfriend would approve. So, I present you some notes on love - so you can do better! - from PsychologyToday.com:

  • It is also true that the less love you have, the more depression you are likely to experience in your life. Love is probably the best antidepressant there is... (Great, I’m freakin’ shit out of love. No one loves hookers! Ugh...)
  • To get love and keep love you have to go out and be active and learn a variety of specific skills. (And not just giving good BJs. You know what I mean, gurls...)
  • Recognize the difference between limerence and love. (Ha! You read it here first, bitches. Oprah who? That’s right!)
  • [L]ove is a learned skill, not something that comes from hormones or emotion particularly. Erich Fromm called it “an act of will.” If you don’t learn the skills of love you virtually guarantee that you will be depressed, not only because you will not be connected enough but because you will have many failure experiences. (Looosers! Oh, that’s me... Damn!)

Anyhow, there’s more uplifting news for you lonely lame-asses like me, besides we’ll die earlier, don’t get laid regularly, or don’t have sugar daddy buying us expensive ass-less pants. Ohmigosh! I am a loser!

Monday, January 26, 2009

YEAR OF THE OX

It is the Year of the Earth Ox, 4706.

Every year, I feel it more and more. I long for home. There’s nothing like Chinese New Year...there. I worry I have forgotten what Chinese New Year is about. The night before this Chinese New Year, I cleaned my little studio apartment and had Chinese food. Like I’m supposed to. But it’s not the same. I long for Monterey Park. Where my parents are now grandparents. My nephew and niece are probably running around. My brother and his wife run our five-bedroom house. We have homes now. We are worlds apart. On Chinese New Year.

I long to be five again. To be my parents’ son. To be a big brother. To be a nephew and cousin. I want to hear the firecrackers scaring evil spirits way. I want to eat for days, laugh with family and friends for nights. To collect red envelopes. To visit with the dead. To be back again in that small one-bedroom apartment we lived in in that alley. I want to go back. To remember that Chinese New Year is about hope.

I long for hope. Again. Like back then...

Family Portrait, 1981: me, my father, my sister, my mother, and my brother

Sunday, January 25, 2009

LOVE DOESN’T LAST

Every weekend in Hell’s Kitchen, there’s an asshole that stumbles the streets screaming at people in love: Everyone breaks up!

I used to think he was another jaded queen that didn’t see the magic in love like I do, but I hate to be the first to admit it - he’s right. Love doesn’t last. According to Pavia University researchers, that feeling of being in love - romantic love, crazy love, lovesick, stalking, mad love, euphoria - is triggered by a molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF), which increases your love molecule.

But that feeling of limerence - the involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person - has a shelf life, anywhere from three months to three years. Thus, love ends. The loss of limerence is gradual and ultimately returns your molecule back to normal levels before love. Once limerence ends, couples either choose to love - which is an act of free will, personal and spiritual growth, and commitment - or they detach.

So, it’s true: being in love doesn’t last. That asshole was right! Ugh...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

WOW, I KNOW MORE THAN ZERO!

Yesterday was a historial day - my birthday!

Okay, no one cares about that. And apparently tennis champions Venus and Serena Williams don’t care about my birthday too...and, oh, the inauguration. ’Cause they won’t vote! Says Venus: “I really am not a political expert. I know zero...” It’s very clear that I’m a dumbass and obviously so are Venus and Serena. Welcome to the club, girls!

  1. If you don’t vote, don’t admit it. Lie, eat their face, throw yourself into on-coming traffic, do anything but admit it. People look at you like you’re a bum jerking off on their face on a subway. For reals...
  2. Jehovah’s Witnesses are the new Filipinos - they suck!
  3. How can I be smarter than Venus and Serena combined? Best. Wednesday. Ever.

Okay, sorry Filipnos for the joke. I kid. You are still not Asian, but you are not hated. But Venus and Serena are the new...lame. Congrats, girls! T-shirts are on their way!

For Venus and Serena

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

STEVE JOBS: FIND WHAT YOU LOVE

Apple CEO Steve Jobs delivered this commencement address in 2005. His message is similar to Tuesdays with Morrie’s powerful line: “Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.” It’s a simple reminder that when we are living on earth, we must fully live.

Jobs’ first two stories were on connecting the dots, and love and loss. His final story was this:

“If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” [The quote]...made an impression on me [when I read it at 17], and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog... On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Monday, January 19, 2009

MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY

So Oprah had 1,000 cookies too many, but she got this right - the importance of putting yourself first.

A lot of you think I’m already too self-obsessed. To those of you: Fuck off. But the lesson is more than just declaring it, it is making active choices to grow your spirit, create balance, find time for you, nourish your body, strengthen your mind, and love, love, love yourself. That may mean different things to different people, but for me it’s: exercising, putting nourishing things into my body, writing, spiritual growth, visits to my shrink!, and the prospects of new episodes of Lipstick Jungle. I think it is important - and it’s okay - to make you your #1 priority. Do it.

“When you love yourself enough, you take care of yourself. You have to make yourself a priority,” says Oprah, wrestling cookies from her staff. They win. She tears up. “To love yourself is a never-ending journey.” Thanks, O. BTW: No. More. Cookies! Okay?


Editor’s Note: Oprah's lawyers have demanded I clarify that by “1,000” I mean 40 cookies. Sorry. Yes, she does read my blog losers!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

CUONG’S SPIRIT SERIES

We probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.”
- Olin Miller

Take a moment and breathe those words. Let it live in you. There’s really not much else to say. They are words to live by... Do so.


P.S. For Liz. Girl, remember it!

Friday, January 16, 2009

LUKE AND NOAH DO IT!

Luke and Noah finally had butt sex. Yeah! (I think it was butt. I hope it was...)

Anyhow, 17 months after their historic kiss on As The World Turns, Luke and Noah finally had sex on Monday’s ATWT. (I mean if most people waited 17 months it better be back-door sex. Right?!?) Regardless, it was the first time two males characters consummated their relationship on daytime TV. In all seriousness, it’s ground-breaking.

As a matter of fact, CBS’s spokesperson said, “Yes, it’s the first time ever any gays have waited more than two vodka sodas to have sex. Those perverts!” Just kidding! CBS didn’t say that, but they did have this to say, “For the last year and a half, we’ve been telling Luke and Noah’s story in a sensitive, respectful way and their romance has evolved over time. The scenes in Monday's episode represent a natural progression of their relationship.”

I don’t watch ATWT, but I had to watch them bang. I know, I’m a perv... Ah, suck it!


Thursday, January 15, 2009

FATHER OF THE YEAR

It's only 15 days into 2009, but I am ready to award Father Of The Year to…

Japanese Guy!

54-year-old Japanese Guy, whose name was not released, was caught impersonating his 20-year-old son to help him pass an exam. Wow, I want a father like Japanese Guy. All my father ever did for me was beat the crap out of me, tell me I was stupid, force me into bowl-shaped haircuts. But my therapist thinks I'm over it. Thank goodness...

Oh, anyway, Japanese Guy even permed his hair so he could pass as his son. Now, getting a bad perm on Asian hair - I know 'cause I did it once - is the epitome of love.

Sorry, Hiro!

Congrats, Japanese Guy, you deserve this honor!

Editor's Note: Sorry, that was the best image I could come up with...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

TYRA IS MY HERO

I never thought I would write these words: Tyra is my hero. Whoa!, did I write that? Who am I?

Tyra had a show on Asian Eyelid Surgery. Ugh. I Can’t. Even. But this is Words of Wisdom... So, Liz, 25, had the procedure because her “eyes were starting to sag” and she wanted a “youthful look” again, and not because she wanted to conform to society’s standards of beauty. Tyra called bullshit on her. Poor Liz didn't get it. Liz, if you’re gonna do it, admit you want to be white, admit you are changing yourself because of other people’s ignorance, admit you care what people think about you. Be honest!!!

I get wanting to look white, I get wanting to be white. I do ’cause I did too. I know many who have done the still controversial procedure. It’s a personal choice and I’m not judging. Well, except for Liz... So Liz, I will find you and you will admit you mutiliated your eyes because you hate yourself! You will be honest with me and you.

Whoa, more words I thought I could never spell: Watch this clip from Tyra!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

STUDY: WE CAN’T BE RESPONSIBLE

I admit it, I can’t be trusted with food. Hmmm, well, I can’t be trusted with alcohol too. But that’s about... Okay, no letters, I’ll admit it. I obviously can not be trusted with anything that goes in my mouth. Shame...

Luckily there’s a new method to cure one of my problems. (If you have suggestions for the other two, I need it. Stat!) According to hypochondriac-creating WebMD a new study suggests that lying could trick you into eating healthier. In 231 experiments at UC Irvine, participants were planted with “false memory” (aka lies) of liking asparagus as a child. Over half of the respondents recalled such memory and “those people want to eat more asparagus.”

I am fine with the lying. It’s how I regulate and control my friends, and obtain the outcomes I desire. And quite frankly, like my friends, the only way I can be selective about what I put in my mouth is through deceptions and lies. The study confirms what I’ve always known: I’m not responsible enough to be accountable for my own actions. Shameful, but true. So, lie to me.

I love ONION RINGS!

Monday, January 12, 2009

BREAKING UP WITH CRAZY

I learned some valuable lessons last year: pneumonia can’t be cured with shots of vodka, you can see Russia from Alaska, bi-guys are dirrrty, and - my favorite lesson - I’m not crazy. I know what you’re thinking, HE. IS. NUTS. But I’m not. Trust.

That’s because I met crazy people. Plural. And that’s when I made my biggest mistake - trying to break-up with a toxic friend. Breaking up with a friend is hard, especially if your psychological games so-they-break-up-with-you don’t work. Awful! So when I broke up with my friend, I made all the classic mistakes: I gave him another chance...only to get cock-blocked again (Ugh!), I kicked him out to hit the bars...only to find him asleep on my doorway, and then I adamantly refused to be his friend again...and he checked into St. Vincent’s Medical Center - Psych Ward. Crazy. But I’ve learned important lessons on how to break up with a friend next time.

This article (I’m paraphrasing) offers some practical ways to break-up with a friend: making a list of why they suck, sending them to voicemail, flake on them, and - if all else fails - yelling at dumbass. I mean, it’s kinda passive aggressive, but I really, really like it. C’mon, would you rather have lame-o sleeping in your doorway? I thought so...

Thursday, January 08, 2009

MY REAL AGE IS...

No matter what I accomplish or what country I’m in, there’s always innuendo, gossip, misinformation, lies, and whispers about this one thing about me (especially in US Weekly). Ugh! It’s like Oprah being asked about her weight. Or Britney about Cheetos and frappuccinos. It’s just...unfair! So, with my birthday coming up I’ve decided to come clean about my real age...

I am...34. Yep, it’s true.

Well, according to RealAge, which is the biological age of your body, based on how well you’ve maintained it. Thirty four isn’t so bad except, well, I am younger than 34. Ouch! According to the test, among the factors that contribute to my “age” is that I stress a bit too much and I don’t have a dog (which relieves stress...and dogs are delicious!), I don’t eat enough fruits and veggies, I’m single, and I don’t take enough vitamin E. Oy, why do I not reap the benefits of being a youthful Asian? Ugh!

Well, take the test for yourself and find out how “old” you are.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

WELCOME HALEY!

Haley.

My first niece, Bradley’s sister, my brother and his wife’s first daughter, my parents’ first granddaughter...was born on Monday, January 5, 2009 at 8:24am. She weighed 8 pounds, 5 ounces, and was 20.5 inches long! I’m bias, but she’s a gorgeous baby.


It’s been said that having a daughter is different than having a son because a daughter can break a father’s heart. Fathers want to protect them (different than they would a son) and they are the first man their daughter will love. I am only an uncle, but I can see it. I can.

Welcome Haley!

Monday, January 05, 2009

CUONG’S SPIRIT SERIES

I decided to create Cuong’s Spirit Series as a forum to enrich, expand, and transform one’s spirit, one’s soul, one’s mind. That said, I believe one can learn plenty from the wisdom of life’s teachers - and there are so many of them. Therefore, this series will glean quotes, words of wisdom, and ideas from our greatest teachers, teachers that have left us but whose “spirits” remain so indelible that it informs our world.

*****

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
-- Mahatma Gandhi

The act of forgiveness is strength. It is powerful, and it sets you free. For a long time, I thought it was weak, it was giving in, it was caving in. Something clicked in me a few years ago, and I no longer wanted to feel the bitterness, the anger, and the rage of disappointment. I forgave my father - after 10 years - and the world opened up. It changed me. Letting go of the anger and bitterness, I felt so much more free, so much more me. It opened my world to accept other possibilities, good possibilities. Forgiveness is hard, but it can transform your life. Do it.

Mahatma Gandhi

There are many great thoughts and ideas on the subject of forgiveness. Here are two others that I also thought was worth sharing:
"The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world."
- Marianne Williamson

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed."
- Oprah Winfrey
What are your thoughts on forgiveness?

Sunday, January 04, 2009

BILL RICHARDSON IS AT IT AGAIN!

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is my role model. He is a sleazy politician, but has parlayed that into a nomination for a prominent role in Obama’s administration. My friends, his life is the American dream...

Last month, I reported opposition to President-Elect Obama’s pick of Richardson for Secretary of Commerce, particularly from Asian Americans who fault Richardson for his aggressive and false prosecution of Wen Ho Lee. Well, it turns out, Richardson has committed another bone-head move! This time, with consequences...

Oh, the shame Bill Richardson

A federal investigation has been conducted into Richardson’s ties to a California company that won municipal bond business in New Mexico after contributing money to various Richardson causes. Thus, as a result, Richardson has withdrawn his nomination as Secretary of Commerce. Yay!

Let’s recap: He falsely accused and imprisoned Lee (bad), he betrayed the Clintons (badder), and pilfered money for his own gain (badderer). Oh, the shame, Bill. Hope it was enough money to buy dignity and integrity. And contrary to the mission of my blog, I truly have no words of wisdom to share with Richardson.

Well, maybe one: DUMBASS!