Friday, May 22, 2009

...UNTIL YOU GROW

I was in WeHo - don’t judge! - when I heard a queen say to a buddy: Friends are people you have until you grow.

His words really bothered me. I valued the idea of “friends for life,” “friends...forever.” But looking back, that queen was right. Damn, wrong again! My “coming out” friends, my druggie friends (they were awwwesome!), my parties friends aren’t still my friends. Friendships inevitably grow apart, and that’s why - here’s what I believe now and it’s good! - the ones you grow with are your family of friends.

According to Psychology Today, we often choose friends similar to us, but the challenge is “whether you can accept the trade-offs that occur when friends individuate.”

While it seems normal to be annoyed and feel discomfort, Terri Apter, a psychologist at the University of Cambridge, recommends confronting small conflicts to avoid a schism. And also, examine your own changed feelings, for example, instead of feeling neglected if someone hasn’t called/emailed, you might want to empathize. (We’re learning this in therapy - so get ready for greatness!)

The bottom line: Accept that friendships erode but sometimes rebuild, communicate, and accept that friends who aren’t like you. I know it’s hard, but that’s why I’m here. Really.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

HOW NOT TO FIGHT

You would think that with all the self-help books I worship that I would be the Asian Oprah - wise, smart, thoughtful, black, and rich. But I’m not. Apparently, I don’t even know how to fight correctly. Yeah, the self-help books (and now podcasts) aren’t helping. Ugh!!!

According to The Frisky, here are the 5 things I do in a fight...that you shouldn’t do:
  1. Baggage Claim: As hard as it might be, don’t make your current future-ex pay for “the sins of his predecessors” or he might be. I would add (though my opinion is usually very wrong): the past is the past, so don’t bring up the time he fell on another guy’s pants and kept licking it or the time he fucked your raw when he promised he’d slip it on (even though you’re still mad about it). Sorry about...
  2. Name Game: Name-calling is weak; it means you’re a dumbass: “The smart and effective arguer makes her point without resorting to name-calling.” Exactly.
  3. Ancient History: Hmm, I think this is covered under #1, but you probably weren’t paying attention (just like my BF!), but “you can’t keep adding it to your laundry list of wrongs every time he gets on your nerves.”
  4. Scream Queen: I used to think - still do! - that the louder you scream the better your point. Umm, I’m wrong (really?): “...shrieking at him like a crazy person” isn’t going to convince the asshole you’re not crazy and actually right. Darn!
  5. Fault Finder: I’m really, really good at fault-find, but apparently “...once you put words into the ether, try as you might you can't take them back.” Ugh! I wish I could take all the words above back...
So, I know I’m just not going to remember all five rules, so I’m going to say it now: Sorry for being an asshole in fights. Really.

Monday, May 04, 2009

CUONG'S SPIRIT SERIES

Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.
- Dale Carnegie
Hmmm, I had to read it twice. I like it: Happiness is wanting what you get. Be grateful.

Dale Carnegie.